Archive for July 7th, 2010

Keaton and I went to the park yesterday during Rowan’s Spanish class and headed to our usual picnic table that overlooks the St. Croix, at snack time. I  unwrapped a nutri-grain bar and handed it to Keaton, then he shouted in that delicate (HAHAHA) toddler voice, “BUNNY!”. When I looked down I saw that a squirrel had sidled up to us.

“It’s a squirrel, Budders. I think he wants to have some breakfast.” Which was kind of an understatement because this little fella had come right up to my shoe and was looking at me so expectantly that had he been a cartoon squirrel he would have started tapping his foot as he pulled out a pocket watch, to indicate that he didn’t have all day now SHARE THE VITTLES, HUMAN.

Keaton got super excited at the close proximity and started flapping in his usual way and jumping up and down, which I thought would for sure scare the bugger off but no, he just backed away, then moved in again. I pulled a piece of the fruit bar off and set it on the grass. The squirrel picked it up, brought it to its mouth where he tasted it and threw it down. I tried again. NOPE. He was not having the fruit bar, but the little shit knew I was holding out on him.

“Why bunny not eatin it?”

“He didn’t like the fruit bar, bud. Maybe he could have one of your cookies?”

“Oh. SURE!”

By this time Keaton and I had moved to sit on top of the table because the bench was still damp from the rain the night before. I took a mini Nila Wafer out and when I went to set it on the seat the bugger jumped up, wanting to take it directly from my hand. Now, I’m an animal lover and all, but I am not a lover of, you know, rabies or bubonic plague or twitchy squirrel disease or whatever else the little rodent might be harboring. He was not a fan of when I pulled my hand back, looking at me like I was a complete idiot, but I set the wafer out on the bench for him to retrieve.

I don't care if you think you're people, squirrel. You can eat off the ground like the rest of the wild animals.


"It's not a bunny, Keaton. It's a squirrel. What should we name him?"

"Squirrelybella! Get yo cookie, Squirrelybella!"

Squirrelybella liked the Nila wafers but still didn’t appreciate having to eat them off the place where humans rested their fat asses. So he came up to eat at the table, in a more dignified manner.

"I want to pet da bunny! Come here squirrelybella!"

"Oh for the love of God, it's a SQUIRREL and NO. WAY."

Here is where I started to have visions of Squirrelybella tweaking out, doped up on high fructose corn syrup and over-processed people food and maybe jumping onto our faces and clawing at our eyeballs. Then I started thinking that this is how you end up on the local news. You innocently try to feed a squirrel, and then he mauls you and eats your two year old and then PETA’s all “Evil woman fed poor, innocent squirrel human food, causing a psychotic break in its natural protein chains which caused it to hunger for human flesh.”

I got nervous enough to shoo him back but he just looked quizzically and then scratched his belly, although in the picture he looks like he might be marching or really winding up to punch a fly or something.

And that was our super exciting morning with a squirrel who didn’t, but TOTALLY could have, eaten our skin or clawed out our eyeballs. He ate 5 or 6 cookies then took two more and buried them in the ground nearby. And Keaton was very impressed with himself that he shared his cookies with his friend, the bunny Squirrelybella.


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