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Archive for March, 2011

Lately Keaton has become enamored by my make-up. And I use the term ‘make-up’ lightly because I have powder, blush, a free mascara sample from Sephora, a few 10 year old eye shadows and a clear lip gloss to my name. FANCY. Well, it is to Keaton anyway, who I swear can smell when I take my make-up out because he comes running, shouting “I wanna get pretty too!” So I let him go nuts and he puts it on himself. Obviously we need to get his mop of hair out of the way so he can apply with ease, hence the ponytails {which you can blame on Bill because he’s the one who doesn’t want to get Keaton a damn haircut already}.

Looking out for his best interests, I tried to tell Keaton that too much blush will make him look like a hooker but he says that’s the way he likes it. Now I’m not one to stand between a boy and his blush, but needless to say, I’m a little nervous about what his future may hold…

At least we can rest easy knowing he’ll make a darn cute hooker.

 

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Ready, set, here we go for the March check in…

1. Learn the ins and outs of my new camera lens. I sort of gave up on this until I can get out an experiment in natural light. I was hoping by mid-March this would become a reality but, um, NO. Minnesota has not yet gotten the memo to get its temperatures out of the flipping 30’s. See also: Christy’s A Giant Baby in Cold Weather.

2. Take a DSLR workshop online or through comm ed. A great follow up class to the one I took in February was offered at the beginning of March and ran 5 weeks. I so wanted to sign up but I was just recovering from being sick and didn’t want to wear myself out so now I’ll have to wait for next fall when it’s offered again. I know what I need to do the most is just get out there and experiment so I’m going to try and make a habit of going on photography walks at least once a week this spring.

3. Run/walk/crawl a formal 5K.

4. Make a decision about faith and which church is right for us. I feel a little paralyzed by this right now. Like damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Rowan’s Sunday school classes will end mid-April and typically we sort of take a church vacation from Easter to Fall {how mature of us, I know} but life always seems to get in the way and I always feel so conflicted about being in a place that is supposed to be good but to me has completely skewed values. Ugh. In other words…I haven’t gotten very far on this goal at all but that doesn’t mean it isn’t on my mind.

5. Get a freaking haircut already you hippie. Are you ready for this? I don’t have a good before picture because for the last year I have either thrown my hair in a back pony or bun or used a metric ass ton of gel and scrunched it up so the dead ends couldn’t be detected. When I was sick and just wanted a back braid I brushed out my hair straight and what I saw was seriously appalling. The last 4-6 inches of my mop were completely dead- my stylist called it ‘cotton candy hair’ and oh, the ICK. I detailed here why I waited so long to get it cut but after seeing how awful it was I knew I couldn’t wait any longer. I sought out Julie, who I’ve known since, well, birth- as our parents were life-long friends and I thought she worked at a salon near-by. She thankfully took my nasty hair in, cutting off somewhere between 6-8 inches and made me promise, SWEAR, that I would never go that long without a haircut again. Thanks, Julie! {And if you’re in the Stillwater area Japa is a great salon. If they could fix my mess of a head, you know they’re good.}

I also learned that trying to take a picture of yourself without looking like a complete idiot is pretty much impossible.

6. Drink water. Camel back purchased. BOOYA. Thanks for the tip, Eva!

7. Go on a debt diet from Jan-March. It’s safe to say we failed this goal spectacularly but it was sacrificed for the good of the other goals, such as #5, #2, #11, #15, #17, #18, and #24. We are now making a modified goal for this to help us on our way with #26, and we’re pretty darn motivated so hopefully we’ll be successful.

8. Find a workable routine to manage my free time during naps and preschool. HA, I can probably kiss this goal goodbye for awhile. I have been spending every last second of spare time doing this:

and probably will continue this way until dance competition and recital season is over at the end of May. Awesome.

9. Say I love you more. I LOVE YOU, INTERNET! {Just practicing. This one’s going to be really hard for me.} I’m trucking along. Some weeks I do better than others. Bill still won’t accept when I just say “Number 9, baby!” so I’m going to have to kick it up a notch, I think.

10. Be a diaper-free household by June 30th. The big plan was to train Keaton over spring break but because of the bed switcheroo we never made it. Now that dance stuff is pretty much taking over our life for the next 6-8 weeks, I’ll probably hold off. It’s hard because my kids are such night-pee-ers. If I followed the advice of the exerts and waited until they woke up dry a couple of nights in a row neither of them would night train until they turn 13. So we improvised with the potty chair next to the bed with Rowan as a transitional phase and it worked wonders but I’m not so sure how well Mr. Sir will take to it, so for now I’m happy to procrastinate on this one.

11. Eat more raw food every day. Yeah. Not so much. I have BIG plans for this summer though, when my diet will consist solely of fresh berries and gin and tonics {SHUT IT, TOTALLY COUNTS}.

12. Complete a 7 day cleanse. DONE.

13. Say ‘thank you’ more often. I’m doing pretty OK with this. Not spectacular, not life changing, but pretty OK.

14. Knit something.

15. Decorate this damn place already. I’m TERRIBLE at colors and putting rooms together. Someone offer to help me and I promise I’ll number 13 your ass. We made some pretty good progress with this this month thanks to our tax return. The kids’ room looks great with the bunk beds and I cleaned out both kids’ drawers and their closets. I also did a toy purge so my little niece was the proud recipient of lots of stuff that Rowan and Keaton have grown out of and although it was sad to see some items go I’m so glad they’re staying in the family. And who knows? Maybe they’ll cycle back to us one day.

On top of that we got nicer window treatments for the living room and our bedroom so this place looks more like a home and less like a college apartment with those crappy plastic blinds. We made some minor adjustments with the arrangement of some items in our room and that paired with the hanging of the photos I took of our trip up North last fall, has made a world of difference in our bedroom. Then we got a nicer faucet for the bathroom and mounted a jewelery cabinet which filled the wall space nicely. Everything we did were just minor tweaks but they really made a huge difference. I can’t believe it took us this long to figure it out. Up next…painting? We’ll see. I don’t want to get too crazy.

16. Be a nuk-free household by February 28th. CHECK!

17. Read for the love of God. Find a better balance of fiction and non-fiction. I slowed WAY down on this one this month. Part of the problem is that I went from a slew of fast-read fiction and memoirs and started a self-helpish type book {The Happiness Project} that’s not quite as engaging, but mostly it’s because of the Invasion of Sequins. I have a feeling I won’t be reading much over the coming weeks which makes me sad but I know I’ll be excited to pick it back up when I have the time. I did finish Cutting For Stone, which was really, REALLY good. I don’t think it’s for everybody but I couldn’t get enough of the completely foreign descriptions of life in Ethiopia. Bill is still reading out loud to me and we are currently on the 4th Percy Jackson and the Olympians book which are PERFECT read-aloud books, so I’m not completely depraved.

18. Get core in shape for the spring running. So my big goal was to start February 1st, which I did and made it a whopping 6 days before I became too ill to do anything. So last Monday I started in again with the Shred at 6am, ready to get my body moving after such a long winter of The Sick and The Sedentary {which should SO be the name of a soap opera starring me and Susan Lucci} and then Bill got sick last weekend and I started to as well but thankfully I knew enough to quit the workout and spend my time slamming Zicam and Emergen-C. It seems to have worked so Istarted back in this morning and hope to make it more than two days this time.

19. Go to at least one B&B this year.

20. Go back to Tetagouche. Take kids.

21. Keep up a weekly to-do list. This one’s going strong. It’s amazing how such a little thing can be such a big help to streamline these crazy spring weeks.

22. Keep my reactions to disappointment in check. I’ve been waffling on this. I surprise myself with how well I’ve dealt with big disappointments, taking the What Can You Do? approach, and then Bill will have used the last of the butter without putting a new stick on the tray and 20 minutes into my temper tantrum {about absolutely nothing!} I realize that maybe my reaction is a biiiiit disproportionate. So, yeah. I’ll work on that.

23. Remember to model myself, the behavior I expect form my kids. In my defense, I was doing really well with this until all these stupid fucking sequins entered my life.

24. Purchase bed sets for the kids. CHECK!

25. Start free-writing again. On paper.

26. Make this the last full year in this house. We started to take some steps to get the heck out of here as early as this summer but as things worked out we now have to wait until next year which is probably for the best. One of our most viable options is to rent this place out and in order for us to do that without taking a hit on what we would qualify for on a new mortgage we will need a pretty cushy savings account. So the name of the game is to save, save, save, to reach our goal of moving out of The Stepford Townhomes by spring/summer 2012. Here’s hoping…

So that’s it for this month~ Pretty solid for such a busy time and being healthy again has played a huge role in this. Unfortunately I’m still technically in blog jail until I finish embellishing Rowan’s costumes but I’ll poke my head in here when I can, if nothing else, blogs are a good place to hide from Gem-Tac glue, which I’m totally getting high from. Happy Monday, Internet!

 

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I promise I haven’t forgotten about my monthly goal check-in- I even have some very exciting news 17 months in the making regarding #5! And I promise to get it out to you just as soon as I can, only right now?

856,367 sequins are standing in my way.

Well, I guess they’re not so much standing, as they are laying there… each one daring me with their one beady little eye to try and get them to stick to the most porous, unforgiving fabric on planet earth. Everyone has one, and right now I’m pretty sure this? Is my goddamn Everest.

Pray for my sanity, Internet. PRAY FOR MY SANITY.

 

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Over the course of the two years I’ve been blogging most of my posts have been about documenting our life together as a young family. Some have distinct purposes, like how I came to have holes/scars in my knockers, how I became an obnoxious liberal, or why religion is really confusing for me. Some have no purpose, other than to shamelessly show off my {BIAS MOTHER ALERT} beautiful and charming children who will one day take over the planet. And some of these posts are just a thinly veiled space for me to show off how many swear words I know. .

This post though, has a different, very important purpose. This post, and future ones like it, are absolutely vital; they could quite possibly mean the difference between life and death…happiness and despair…fillet mignon and blenderized meatloaf with a side of lemon jello. In other words, you can go ahead and skip this one because it is devised solely to show to my children in 40 or so years when they’re trying to put us in a home. You may laugh now, Internet, but one day it is I who will be laughing at YOU from my shaded poolside cabana at Chateau D’Awesometown~ Center for the Wise and Mature while you all are sitting at the Wrinkly Butt Nursing Home~ Center for Dummies Who Didn’t Carefully Craft A Blog To Guilt Their Offspring Into Sending Them To Geriatric Paradise.

Now then! Last week was our school district’s spring break and since we spent the entirety of the winter in a sickened stupor and didn’t take the kids anywhere but the damn pharmacy and doctor’s office, we decided we were going to do this week up right and inject some fun into life again. We had a master list of about 10 different activities to choose from; everything from a hotel/waterpark to bumper bowling to a giant indoor trampoline park. In the end we only did a few of them but trust me, that was enough to send their little brains into fun overdrive. Here’s how the week played out…

Friday the 11th: We had my cousin Erica over for dinner. Now this doesn’t seem like something super fun for the kids but we almost never have guesta over so they get SUPER excited when we get visitor, even if they only get to spend a half an hour or so hanging out with her before their bedtime and grown-up winetime.

Saturday the 12th: Bill went snowboarding with his brother and the DCFI and afterward we went to the Mallinger’s for a quiet dinner and playtime for the kids. They had us over as a thank you to Bill for helping out with the decorations and music to Jay’s party. What’s that? Oh! Funny you should ask- no, the Dep’s did NOT have a beer with dinner. He’s still getting over his hangover from THIS little escapade.

Sunday the 13th: It was my niece Ellie’s spring break as well so we had her over for a sleepover Sunday night. Rowan always does such a good job of sharing “her” friends with her brother, including him in their games and never minding if he plays with them or nearby. That night Bill and I both noted what a great big sister she is and how lucky we are that our kids get along so well most of the time.

Monday the 14th: All tolerance for younger sibling gone. We broke the rule, Internet. You know, the one that states if you note something positive out loud, that that something will most surely turn to shit within 24 hours. Oh, well. Ellie stayed over all day and since it was spring break we just went ahead and broke all the rules and I served popcorn, licorice and strawberry pop for a morning snack. Hmm…guess I should stop wondering why they all turned into rabid, sugar-highed maniacs after that, huh?

Tuesday the 15th: BUNK BEDS!

Wednesday the 16th: Rowan had her last OT appointment! Well, maybe not her last ever but we decided to take the next 6 weeks off to see how she does, as she’s been doing really great lately, and we’ll reassess after that. I need to write a whole post on this but for now it should be duly noted in the old folks’ home decision making process {lovely, smart, beautiful, daughter} that WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU! {!!!!!!}

After OT, the three of us went to the library and had a great time picking out books on space, fossils, mammals and insects. Up until very recently I avoided the library at all costs, as I didn’t exactly relish the thought of chasing my toddler around- the very same toddler that has no idea how to control the volume on his voice. Like, at all. But it must be acknowledged that Keaton is not a toddler anymore, but a preschooler and he is finally at the age where he can be somewhat accountable for himself, be respectful of others and I can even turn my back now and browse the kids’ DVDs for a few minutes without worrying too much if he will be climbing the pillar to try to ride the ceiling fan.

Thursday the 17th: This is when the real fun began. Bill took off this and the next day so we packed it full. We were originally planning to go to the Children’s Museum but Rowan’s good friend at school talked about going to the Science Museum to see the King Tut exhibit so of course that’s what she lobbied for us to do and since we are suckers we agreed. I was nervous because from what I remembered, the Science Museum of Minnesota was geared toward older kids and these kids are used to being able to touch everything at the children’s museum and Keaton kept asking if there were rides there but didn’t seem to get it when we repeatedly explained what it was.

It also happened to be St. Patrick’s Day which is somewhat of a big deal in St. Paul, where the museum is located, but we figured we would be safe from the drunken idiots once we made it inside the museum since they don’t serve alcohol in there. And it actually turned out great, because there was a parade and lots of festivities for the Irish celebrating folk elsewhere so the museum was relatively quiet, which is good for someone like me whose own personal hell would include being stuck in a giant crowd while having to make hair/eye/vet appointments over the phone all day.

Overall? the kids did awesome. My nerves hit again when the guide told us very firmly that there was no food or drink allowed in any of the TWELVE exhibit rooms. There is also no bathroom so HA, parents of young children ye are screwed. I don’t know how we did it but we were in there an hour and a half with no incident. The exhibit was beautiful. The detail of the statues, crowns, jewelry and hieroglyphics was breathtaking. Rowan was very interested and inquisitive for about the first half. I don’t know if it was the low-lighting, hypnotic music, or what but she got really tired after that and laid down in Keaton’s stroller, perking up when we wanted to show her something. Keaton was thoroughly UNimpressed by Mr. Tutankhamun and all his statues, gold and crowns. I mean, COME ON, this guy was a fricken emperor and he didn’t even have a CAR? Is life even worth living without cars? Decidedly no. Thankfully though, he still did a good job of being patient and acting mildly interested when we pointed out a carving or artifact he might like, and he DID get kind of excited about the ancient toilet seat on display. Boring king or not, toilet seats are just good material, people. Bill and I would have liked more time there to be able to soak it all in and read about each piece but we’re not complaining.

We weren’t aloud to take picture of the Tut exhibit but I did get some of the rest of our museum visit.

"Hello? CPS? You will NOT believe what my parents are doing to me...they made me look at a real live dead guy! I mean, they called him a mummy but a spade's a spade, you know what I mean?"

I'll give you one guess which one of these people got most excited about the dino fossils. {I'll give you a hint, his name rhymes with I'mgoingtocorrectyoueverrytimeyoutryandpronouceadinosauername-ill.}

I was nervous that Keaton would be bored with the rest of the museum as well but he was rapt. I tell you that boy has got a sixth sense when it comes to cars...

He just sniffs them out.

It was really interesting to see the difference between the two kids. I guess I’ve always known this but it was just so blatantly obvious on this day that Rowan likes to find something she really likes and settle in for a long period, while Keaton bounces around, excited to try everything he can get his hands on.

Rowan quickly settled down in her element, surrounded by an army of dinosaurs to do her bidding.

While this guy {and the other guy} got excited jumping from fossil to magnifying glass to microscope.

We had a really, really good time.

After the museum we planned to drive around and look at houses in the city while we let the kids rest in the car only they were too keyed up and would not settle down so we ended up getting frustrated and headed back out to suburbia where we stopped to get a car wash. My in-laws had taken the kids through one once and I guess it didn’t go over so well with Keaton and when he saw we were pulling into the stall he nervously proclaimed while eyeing which window would be the best to throw himself out of, that “I do not like dat car washer!”  I let him come up and sit on my lap and after the initial spray down he relaxed and even enjoyed it when the soap came out in a rainbow of colors and smelled like fruit. It helped that this particular wash didn’t have the giant rollers or tentacle-like scrubbers. Are those a thing of the past? I LOVED that when I was a kid. It felt like I was inside a Muppet or something.

Next we went to see Rango and all I will say about that is that I am a dumbass who didn’t actually check the listing. I saw an animated movie and thought, eh- they’ll like that, only this was PG and not at ALL for the under 8 set. Thankfully most of it went over their heads {and hell! They’re already so used to hearing damn and hell at home, it didn’t even register with them at all!} but still. Not super appropriate. Parenting fail, but certainly not the worst one I’ll make so I’m not too worried.

Friday the 18th: We had made plans to go bumper bowling this day but these guys were S-P-E-N-T from the day before. My mom spent the better part of this month in California and the kids missed their grammy so we headed over and spent the afternoon with her and her very tanned arms. Jerk! {And I mean that in the most loving way.}

Saturday the 19th: After Rowan’s dance class we headed to the hotel and waterpark. We took the kids there last June and we all had such an awesome time. We figured it would be a lot more crowded over spring break and we were right. They didn’t even have our room ready when we got there but instead gave us a $5.00 concession coupon and told us to go to the pool area which, yeah, not that big of a deal- but we had all of our bags with us and two kids who were more than ready to be in the water and everything in there was sopping wet and OHMYGOD so many screaming children. Thankfully only twenty minutes later we were in our room settling in and even though the pool area was a little nuts this time around, the kids had a complete and utter blast. Plus HOT TUB. Ahhhh.

Waterpark!!!!!

They spent a lot of time playing a complex game called Run Away From Your Brother!, which oddly enough involved running away from your brother. And also a lot of giggling.

Awhile back a couple of people wondered if Rowan's eyes are really this blue so I included this picture to illustrate my point, which is yes and no. She does have really bright, light blue eyes {Thanks, Grandpa Garry!} but they only pop like this in certain light. Mostly it happens in natural light with the sun behind her but with all the blues from the water, and the fact that the ceiling is painted a purplish blue with ambient star lighting- well it made the conditions ripe for her eyes to shine.

These guys were in heaven.

We let them play before dinner, then we took them to Red Lobster {Rowan’s favorite. The girl can’t be talked into a dang turkey sandwich but she will devour an entire plate of popcorn shrimp, then steal bites of your lobster, crab, and shrimp scampi} where there was an insane wait. The kids did really great, helped along by an understanding hostess who came over twice to take out a lobster for them to pet. After dinner we let them play at the waterpark til nine and then we snuggled in for Sleeping Beauty, and they didn’t get to sleep until way after eleven. Oops.

Sunday March 20th: After a room service breakfast we headed down for one last playtime in the water and then packed it in and headed home around eleven and WOW aren’t we done yet? Um no. Our nephew Joey and goddaughter Mia had a joint birthday party starting at two so we raced to get the kids home and get the chlorine scrubbed off of them and got ready to go to the party. I do NOT sleep well in hotels so I was running on maybe three hours of sleep but it was worth it to see this little gal enjoy her very first birthday…

I'm One! And sort of unsure about these cousin people.

Mia's very own cake!

Which, needless to say, was thoroughly enjoyed. Happy One, Miss Mia!

And then? We came home, let the kids watch a movie, got everything set for the shift back to reality and then blissfully climbed into our own bed. The week was crazy busy, but fun and if this doesn’t secure us a spot at Chateau D’Awesometown, I seriously think we might be screwed.

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So have you all been waiting on the edge of your seat to see the finished product of Project: Bunk Beds? No? WHAT? Seriously, this is scintillating blog fodder people. I don’t know how much more exciting one blog can even get without completely imploding in on itself and creating some sort of Internetarian black hole .

One bed...

Two beds...and wait for it...

Behold! On top of one another. I just blew your mind right there, didn't I? It's a miracle of the universe! And science! Yes definitely don't forget the awe-inducing wonders of bunk bed science!

We searched the wide-scope of the Internet along with a number of furniture stores in our area and I have to tell you, finding a nice, simple gender-neutral bunk bed is kind of hard. There are a ton of cute sets geared toward girls or boys but not so much when you’re dealing with one of each. Our other struggle was that we wanted something on the small side. I know the beds look gigantic in the picture but they are actually the smallest you can get for two twin beds in a wood frame. Obviously we wanted small because I have a feeling neither of my children will break 40 pounds before their 12th birthdays and even with these I just can’t get over how impossibly small they look all snuggled up.

This set was at the last store we went to, we checked online to see if we could get it cheaper but it was already marked way down because of a President’s Day sale. {Screw the Constitution, I got a deal on a bunk bed! Thanks, Founding Fathers!} The beds were still pretty spendy for us but since they’re not traditional bunk beds and really a lofted bed and a completely separate twin that fits underneath, we knew we could keep using them after the kids get separate rooms down the line. I initially wanted dark wood but when all the other furniture in their room is white it just didn’t make sense.

When we ordered, the store said 2-3 weeks for delivery which was fine- I wanted to try to night-train Keaton first which did NOT happen because of the plague. Then we got a call 2 Mondays ago saying “Um, yeah. They’re probably not going to come in until early April”. We were sort of disappointed but they refunded us the delivery and set-up charges so no one here was crying. Then, 5 days after that call, the delivery people called and SURPRISE! They’re here! SO we set up the delivery date for this past Tuesday and they still refunded us the money. Thank you Slumberland!

The delivery and set-up went really well, although this happened:

And I was also a little scared that they would put it together all wrong to get back at me FOR ALL OF THE STAIRS. Do you know how many giant boxes bunk beds come in? A lot. There were 3 guys going up and down 4 sets of stairs for what seemed like eternity. I broke a sweat just watching them while I drank my coffee {for I am an asshole!}. Then they delegated one poor bastard to run all the empty boxes back down. He did NOT look good by the end. I offered him something to drink but in retrospect a shower would have been more appropriate at that point. Despite this they were professional and got the beds up in a little over an hour.

There were a couple of snafus that we have to get worked out. I wasn’t super clear on where I wanted them set up, which was centered between the wall and a bookcase. Instead they put them flush with the wall, right next to the window which, just, no. So Bill and I had a lot of fun moving them over about 18 inches. Internet? Bunk beds are motherfucking heavy. {The more you know~ *shooting rainbow star*} Also the Top bunk’s headboard came cracked and the bottom bed’s foot board has gouges in it- but they will be sending someone out to replace those in the next couple of weeks. Also those pretty pink drawers up there? Are supposed to be white. So we’ll have to get that sorted out {much to Rowan’s chagrin} but over all we’re super happy with the way things turned out.

Now. As I mentioned in my previous post, making the top bunk? Is pretty much an all morning event. Seriously people, it’s probably wise to do stretches and maybe run a few laps before hand. It doesn’t help that Rowan has a stiff, thick-ass Pottery Barn quilt so I can pretty much kiss my knuckles good-bye from trying to shove the sides of the quilt down and around the mattress. How sad is it that I have war wounds from making a goddamn bed? When I finally got that sonofabitch made I very seriously shouted out HA! I DEFEATED YOU BED! I WIN! I WINNNNNNNN!!

Because I’m super mature and stuff.

I’ve already learned a lot in the 3 and a half days of owning a bunk bed and while I could probably write many many appendices to this post I will just leave you with this:

1. Bunk beds not-so vaguely resemble a jungle gym to children.

2. Kids like to dangle objects from the top bunk.

3. Kids like to throw stuff from the top bunk.

4. Kids like to throw hard stuff from the top bunk.

5. At their brother, who drew the short stick in the bed draw, much to his dismay.

6. This brother will at some point lose his temper.

7. And throw his full cup of night-time water up in the general direction of the top bunk.

8. Water is subject to the laws of physics and will not only soak the top bunk and its occupant but the bottom bunk and ITS occupant, kind of voiding the whole retaliation of water throwing in the first place.

9. Keaton needs to think his revenge plots through better. I’m guessing this will happen quickly as there will be AMPLE opportunities while these bunk beds are still standing.

Now here are some really indulgent pictures of my kids NOT being assholes in their beds, as I could already use a reminder…

PS~

Did you see that adorable blanket at the end of Keaton’s bed up there? After seeing one she made for her niece, I asked this awesome lady if she would make one for Keaton and it tuned out so great. Thanks, Laylabean!

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Once upon a time there was a lady who was really, really pregnant.

Her mother gifted her and her husband a beautiful white crib. The pregnant lady told her husband to put it together so that the baby could have its own place to sleep instead of sharing a bed with the dog or 3 cats. {No photographic evidence exists of the putting together of the crib but the bassinet was put together at roughly the same time and I assure you that the husband's face looked very similar to this so you get the gist...}

After a lot of puking and general be-moaning of her pregnant self, the pregnant lady became a mama. Just like that. And she had the most precious girl in the whole world and that girl slept safe and snug in the beautiful white crib.

Then seemingly right before her parents' eyes, the baby girl grew a little bigger...

And a little bigger. Then the lady who was just a lady, went back to being a very pregnant lady and the beautiful white crib had a spectacular metamorphosis from pink...

To blue. And the sweetest baby boy came to sleep snug and tight in the beautiful white crib. {But not until he was eight months old because strangely enough, during the previous seven, the boy was convinced the crib was covered in molton lava and screamed his wee, precious little head off any time the lady tried to put him in it.} But he figured it out! And...

Similarly enough, he grew bigger...

And bigger. Until one day the baby boy wasn't a baby anymore and he wanted a big boy bed of his own.

And so the beautiful white crib went through another transformation from crib to toddler bed...

And the tiny blue stars were traded in for pink once again, as it was returned to its rightful owner. And for 21 more months the girl and the bed were together, but a funny thing happened...

That little girl kept right on growing. And even though she loved the beautiful white crib, she was ready to say goodbye.

The boy too was sad to see his toddler bed go, but excited for his very own big kid bed. And so the new bed was ordered and the delivery men came to put it together...

They tried to wait patiently but that's a pretty hard thing to do when something as exciting as bunk beds are being erected on the floor above and the lady won't let you go and ask the workers if they are done yet. So they just kept right on waiting..

and waiting...

And waiting some more.

And just when they didn't think they could wait any longer...it was time to go and inspect.

And the boy and the girl were really high up!

And really happy.

And down, down, down came the beautiful white crib. And the lady, the mama? She was sad. That beautiful white crib had been where she laid her babies' soft heads down for nearly six years. It was a fixture, a part of their little family and now it was gone. But the mama, and the daddy, are happy for this next chapter to start anew.

THE END.

Epilogue

It’s spring break for us this week and we are running around like crazy people cleaning out dressers and closets and trying to fit a ton of fun stuff in for the kiddos. That being said I will try to get another, less schmaltzy, nostalgic piece up, including pictures of the finished product and give, in full detail, with my full arsenol of swear words, an account of just how fucking fun it is to change the bedding on that top bunk.

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For the first time in a long, LONG time, this week has flown by. I will say one positive thing about being so sick for so long; when you finally come out of it, everything looks a little bit brighter, seems a little easier, flows a little more smoothly. What I’m saying is, don’t get used to this cheerful fucking attitude because this health high is sure to disintegrate by the middle of next week.

We were about to embark on our first week of health in 12 {TWELVE} weeks this past Monday. I had Bill wake me up early so I could be showered and ready before the kids got up for the first time in a month. I was looking forward to taking Keaton to our ECFE toddler class which we haven’t been to in 6 weeks because we haven’t been functional humans. We are both still nursing some pretty icky coughs but our noses, ears and heads are back to normal so we were optimistic about getting back into a normal schedule that didn’t include holing ourselves in to hide our germ-infested state away from the rest of the world.

Y’all see what’s coming right?

This one. THIS ONE. Woke up with a fever of 102.4.

But… it was OK. You know how mothers will say “I hate to see my kids so miserable, I wish it were me instead”? Yeah. That’s bullshit. I am NOT one of those mothers and not just because I’m some asshole who doesn’t like getting sick (well, technically I am an asshole who doesn’t like to get sick but not for the purpose of this argument) but because things FALL APART when I’m sick. And this is no reflection on Bill who was an absolute hero when I was flat down. The man had just received a well earned promotion at work the week before, a promotion which includes the necessity to be a little more present in the office {read: a metric shit-ton of meetings} and I know it wasn’t thrilling to have to rearrange his days and responsibilities to help me out before he had found his footing in his new role. Turns out the world of advertising does not stop because I’m sick {I know! WTF?!}. In the position he’s in now, a majority of his work can’t be delegated to someone else, or pushed aside for magical ad-elves to take care of in the night {interns, anyone?}. He has to just figure out how to get it done in less time without sacrificing the quality, which is a ton of fun for him. So anyway he ended up with a combination of having to shift his hours so he could take and pick up Rowan from school, call in for important internal and client meetings while trying to entertain Keaton, taking one or both kids into work with him, and trying to figure out all the rest during Keaton’s 2 hour afternoon nap.

Needless to say that totally sucked for him. And it just throws everything off kilter. We, the kids and I, have a pretty predicable routine down and so even though they love their dad, it can be confusing when he takes over things I normally do. So when Rowan got sick on Monday I didn’t feel so bad about thinking “Better you than me, suckah!” {I’d be worried but my eternal soul is already in jeapardy for so many other infractions, let’s be honest, this one probably won’t even register.} The kid was just about as miserable as I’ve ever seen her. Even when she’s really sick she is almost never lethargic, but Monday she could barely lift her head off her pillow.

I sat with her all morning, feeling completely powerless to make her feel better. The only thing I could do was administer Tylenol and ibuprofen and push fluids. So I decided that if that was all I could do for the poor, sweet thing, I would be the best goddamn pusher of fluids this town has ever seen. Nay, the country has ever seen. Aw, let’s just go for it and make it the world. I was going to be the World Dominating Fluid Pusher if that is what is takes to help get that girl up and running and driving us all crazy again. So! I pushed 12 ounces of cranberry juice. A cup of fruit cocktail with juices, two 6 ounce glasses of smoothie and several re-fills of her 12 ounce water bottle. That’s some freaking awesome fluid pushing, AMIRIGHT?

WRONG.

Rowan then proceeded to PUSH {did you see what I did there?} all 45 or so ounces of fluids onto my bathroom floor. She would have made it to the toilet but I stopped her short when I tried to grab a binder off the counter to pull her hair back. I’ve chronicled how well I deal with puke here before so I won’t get into the details of how fun the clean up was for me but PRETTY MUCH SUCKED MAJOR AMOUNTS OF ASS does not even begin to cover it. Fortunately the appearance of the puke was not too bad- it really just looked like someone had spilled the pitcher of smoothie onto the floor. The same however, could not be said for the smell. Have I grossed you all out sufficiently yet? No? Cause I could talk about this aaaaallllll day…

Was there even an actual point to this post? I can’t really remember. I think I just wanted everybody to feel bad for me but I might have screwed that up along the way what with the terrible parenting choices and the inflicting of puke-descriptions upon my audience. OH RIGHT! The point was that despite it all the week actually flew by and with my sense of humor firmly intact and after this long, pestilence-ridden winter, that is saying something.

NOW HURRY UP AND GET YOUR ASS IN HERE, SPRING. This sunny outlook of mine comes with a bold, capitalized, underlined and italicized expiration date of NEXT WEEK.

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