Let’s take a break from my narcissism to learn about ONLY the coolest people in the universe. Well, MY universe I guess, but if you have been paying attention thus far you should know that it’s the only one that really matters.
Nicknames: Beaky, Hey You, That guy I married, Poor Bill.
Hobbies: Trying to get me to kiss him (EW), snowboarding, telling really lame jokes, golfing, pretending to read when really he’s sleeping.
Interests: Lost, vodka, LOTR, web design, dumb internet videos about keyboard kitty, figuring out how to get paid to be the voiceover guy for action movie trailers.
Strengths: Devoted father and a patient, loving husband. Has an uncanny eye for faces and WILL win when you (a closet gossip site monger) bet him that that boy/man in the crappy movie promo was Chase Crawford and he’s all, “I’ll bet you a cool Bajillion it’s Zac Efron” and you’re all WHATEVER HOW WOULD YOU KNOW and he’s all, because YOU MADE ME WATCH HAIRSPRAY REMEMBER and then you start to doubt yourself and you die a little bit inside when you have to IMDB Charlie St Cloud and then die even more when you find out he’s right.
Weaknesses: He is a terrible driver. He thinks he’s awesome. Don’t tell him I told you how bad he sucks. Can’t remember names. I wondered forever why he never really introduced me to members of his extended family, and later found out it’s because he couldn’t remember many of the names of his aunts/uncles/cousins. Terrible at history and dates, including his own. This is very trying for me. “When did you go to Disney World for the first time?” “Hmm. When I was little.” “No shit. How little?” “I don’t know, like 6 or 8 or 12 or something.” WTF? How can you not remember that? I went to Disney World in October, Monday the 18 and Tuesday the 19th of 1993. His disregard for the Gregorian calendar is whack. Yeah. I just said whack.
Girl: Rowan Josephine, born August 2005
Nicknames: Princess Porkchop, Little Miss, Rowan J Gunterpants.
Hobbies: Dance, swimming, reading, reading, reading.
Interests: Being right. Barbie fashion. Shopping at American Girl. The injustice of so many things being “NOT FAIR”.
Strengths: Negotiating. Academics. Ninja kicks. Music and art. Talking with an English accent when doing voices for her toys. Blatant disregard. Being a cat. Pointing it out when you’re wrong.
Weaknesses: Nunchucks and broccoli.
This Boy: Keaton Garold, born December 2007
Nicknames: Budders, bubba, Sir, butter-butt.
Hobbies: Dance, karate, sword-play, tutus, baseball, party-rockin’, bow and arrows, pretending the couch is a pirate ship.
Interests: TMNT, LOtR, Ninjago, Peter Pan, Peter the Magnificent, SYTYCD.
Strengths: Hilarity. High-pitched squealing. Batting. Booty shaking. Tripping (on his own feet, not hallucinogens.) (At least I don’t think so, anyway.) (Although that would explain away quite a few things about his infanthood).
Weaknesses: Geometry and poodles. He totally sucks at poodles.
Beautiful Boy: Ezra William, born October 2012
Nicknames: The Duke of Cuddles, Tiny Sir, Mini-Budders.
Hobbies: Eating, napping, trying to poop 5 minutes after just pooping.
Strengths: Peeing on mom and dad during diaper changes and bath time. Being awake between 3:30 and 5:30am. General adorableness.
Weaknesses: Snake-charming, butterflies. Don’t even get me started on the butterflies.