This weekend Christmas up and threw up on us.
Event the First: On Friday we had Bill’s holiday party which was filled with his fabulous co-workers, a !free! dinner (we Gunters get really excited about free things) and 3 dirty martinis, 3 glasses of wine and a beer. I think Bill had a drink or two as well. I wasn’t really keeping track of him so much.
Event the Second: Miss Ellie Belle had her holiday gymnastics meet. Even though I read the e-mail several times, I somehow glossed over the part that said it was nearly two hours long and foolishly brought both of my children. Let me say that again: Two hours long, with two small children. Keaton actually did pretty well, and as there was a lot going on, Rowan’s impatience with the whole thing was only mildly embarrassing. Afterward we went out to eat with everyone and this is where Keaton decided he was done being polite and was ready to act like a normal two-year old who was “ALL DONE!” “GO HOME” “I THROW THINGS!”.
Event the Third: Rowan’s Sunday school Christmas celebration which consisted of the kids singing three Christmas Carols and ingesting entirely too many cookies. I’d tell you how well she did but I couldn’t really see her because even though she was in the first row, a monster of a girl who was supposed to be standing next to Rowan took it upon herself to stand directly in front of her so I couldn’t see her at all from where we were sitting. I sneaked in between the aisles to shoot one measly picture but another mom who had been there snapping non-stop pictures for the whole 5 minute performance was taking up the whole aisle and wouldn’t budge to let anyone else in. I’m going to go ahead and let you guess whose mother she was.
After they were done I got to go up and get a few pictures of Rowan, all of which contained other little faces and since I’m not sure if people would appreciate me putting their kids on my irreverent mommy blog, don’t be scared, that is not the ghost of baby Jesus, I just blurred that kids face off. For legal reasons.
Nice pose, huh? It was a very vogue Catholic Christmas show.
Event the Fourth: Santa Clause. Here is where Christy thinks she is being bright and says to Bill, “I know we weren’t planning on doing it til next weekend but the kids are already in their Christmas clothes so we should just head to the mall and see Santa.” Good idea, right? WRONG. The line was atrocious but we sort of expected that. Rowan made friends with the two little girls behind us and she was having fun so I told Bill to just go ahead and walk Keaton around the mall for a while and check back to see our progress.
He took off and here is where I tell you that before we got into this really long line we asked Rowan if she needed to go potty and she vehemently denied the need to go anytime in the near future. This is also where I tell you they positioned Santa Clause’s magical little kingdom at the furthest point from any bathroom the mall had to offer. You see where I am going here? Five minutes after Bill left, Rowan said “Well, maybe I DO need to go potty, after all. Like NOW.”
I’m sure I could have asked the people behind us to hold our spots but all of a sudden the line started moving much faster and I was sure Bill would be back at any moment. Then Rowan said “I don’t need to go any more mom!” and I panicked and tried to check if she’d peed herself but no, she hadn’t and “HOW DARE YOU. I AM FOUR, NOT A LITTLE GIRL.” Then her eyes started watering and she announced that wait, maybe she still needed to go. This happened three or four times. AHHH! I tried sending telepathic messages to Bill to GET THE FUCK BACK HERE NOW PLEASE, but he must have had his Christy tuner turned to mute which I suspect happens more than he admits to.
A half an hour later, with only three people in front of us he made his return where I greeted him with a whispered “you suck get her to the potty now before she explodes!”, and he whispered back “how the hell was I supposed to know you crazy woman, I turned my tuner to mute!”
Anyway they sat on Santa’s lap for a picture which was not really Keaton’s idea of a good time after waiting around for an hour. He cried for a few seconds but saw how elated Rowan was so he calmed down enough to only look Moderately Terrified in the picture instead of Scared Shitless.
Event the Fifth: Gingerbread house. OK, I’m not really sure why I thought this was a good idea after all the crap we’d already done yesterday but we did it and I’m so glad we did because I have never been so amused by something my son has created. Originally we were going to do the house during Keaton’s nap because I knew he would just throw fistfull after fistfull of candy into his mouth which is exactly what he did but first he decorated a gingerbread snowman and I will let you draw your own conclusions about it:
Do you see that? What?! COME ON. The snowman has a boner. Well, it was funny to me and all the other 12-year-old boys reading this blog. So yeah. OK then. Just me.
Whatever, it made all the other Christmasy debacles of the weekend TOTALLY WORTH IT.
Snowman weiners will do that to even the most dignified revelers.
The finished product. Let's just add Gingerbread house decorating to my list of Things I Shouldn't Be Allowed To Do, along with sewing and cooking and math.
Event the Sixth involved trying to make a Christmas tree on my old Lite Bright. Let’s just say it ended with me not letting the kids ruin my (*BIG AIR QUOTES*) Mastahpiece, which looks sort of like something a color blind 3-year-old put together.
Then I addressed 75 Christmas cards.
Merry Freakin Christmas.
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