I don’t think any of us really thought this day would ever come.

On this fateful day 40 years ago, a guardian angel strolled into the office to get his next assignment. The poor, unsuspecting sucker drew the case file of  a seemingly harmless 4 and a half pound infant boy born to adoring parents at the dawn of the 70’s and he’s been sweating bullets ever since.

This guy, I assure you, is the hardest working GA out there. Go ahead and ask him about the time his assignment hurled himself off a 60 foot cliff. Or the time a car t-boned him and he walked away with barely a scratch. Or the 3,645 close calls with numerous law enforcement in his youth, all for offences such as drinking beer on top of the public library or spray painting cop cars and let’s not even go into all the fireworks stories and how amazing it is that John still has use of not only both his thumbs but all of his fingers.

Last February, the poor Angel tried to take a coffee break while John was in Las Vegas. Not a smart move.

Eeeeewwwwww. This is what happens when you try to catch a cab in Vegas and you catch a curb instead. With your face.

My memories of my brother from my youth are fuzzy at best, due to the fact that he moved out of the house before I turned nine, but I can attest that he gave the best shoulder rides on planet earth- throwing me up on his shoulders, taking my hands in his and revving the engine vroom, vroom, shouting ATV 3-WHEELER! and then off like a shot through our house with my mom screaming behind him, praying that I wouldn’t be beheaded by the top of a low door frame.

My brother is your hyper-typical thrill seeking, risk taking boy. Let’s just say my mom loves him dearly but thanks the Lord every night he was her only boy. I would hope that in celebration of 40 years of hard, diligent work John would give the poor guardian angel a day off, but I’m going to guess not.

Happy 40, John!

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I don't think any of us really thought this day would ever come.

On this fateful day 40 years ago, a guardian angel strolled into the office to get his next assignment. The poor, unsuspecting sucker drew the case file of  a seemingly harmless 4 and a half pound infant boy born to adoring parents at the dawn of the 70’s and he’s been sweating bullets ever since.

This guy, I assure you, is the hardest working GA out there. Go ahead and ask him about the time his assignment hurled himself off a 60 foot cliff. Or the time a car t-boned him and he walked away with barely a scratch. Or the 3,645 close calls with numerous law enforcement in his youth, all for offences such as drinking beer on top of the public library or spray painting cop cars and let’s not even go into all the fireworks stories and how amazing it is that John still has use of not only both his thumbs but all of his fingers.

Last February, the poor Angel tried to take a coffee break while John was in Las Vegas. Not a smart move.

Eeeeewwwwww. This is what happens when you try to catch a cab in Vegas and you catch a curb instead. With your face.

My memories of my brother from my youth are fuzzy at best, due to the fact that he moved out of the house before I turned nine, but I can attest that he gave the best shoulder rides on planet earth- throwing me up on his shoulders, taking my hands in his and revving the engine vroom, vroom, shouting ATV 3-WHEELER! and then off like a shot through our house with my mom screaming behind him, praying that I wouldn’t be beheaded by the top of a low door frame.

My brother is your hyper-typical thrill seeking, risk taking boy. Let’s just say my mom loves him dearly but thanks the Lord every night he was her only boy. I would hope that in celebration of 40 years of hard, diligent work John would give the poor guardian angel a day off, but I’m going to guess not.

Happy 40, John!

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No Foolin’

So, Internet, how’s your April Fools Day going?

Mine’s going OK. Rowan, giggling wildly, looked out the window this morning and exclaimed “THE EARTH IS COVERED IN CRICKETS, MOM! COME LOOK!” And before I could make it to the window she burst into belly laughs and said “Happy Fools Day!” She was very pleased with herself.

Now that sort of fooling I can get behind but then we went to the park and a six-year-old little shit pantsed me. PANTSED ME. That wasn’t so funny. Well. It’s kind of funny. If you’re not me or anyone that might have caught a glimpse of my very white behind.

I’ll give you a minute to hone in on that visual. Got it? Good.

I was slightly bent at the waist talking with Rowan when the kid ran up behind me, lifted my shirt up and pulled the waistband of my jeans down. I think I flipped around and righted myself before anyone even saw but I was so totally thrown. The mom of the boy’s cronie knew something was up so she asked and I told her what had just transpired and the mom of the offending kid overheard and that was it for that kid. I almost felt bad for the little guy. ALMOST.

His mom put him in time out and when he was done crying he came over and tearfully said, “I’m sorry I gave you a wedgie.” I paused, debating whether I should tell him the difference between pantsing and wedgies, but thought better of it. This kid clearly doesn’t need anymore inspiration. I forgave him and thanked him for apologizing. The mom, who seemed unapologetic but clearly embarrassed explained he’d been reading a lot of Captain Underpants. I told her it was no big deal, stuff like this happens… but does it? Does shit like this happen to other people? I’m beginning to think that I’m just special.

April Fools Day, in my family, is also known as Don’t Answer the Phone, It Might Be John Day. John being my brother. He was a little prankster from the start (and incidentally the kind of kid who would’ve got along swimmingly with the one who violated me today). Once when he was younger he rigged up an elaborate bucket of water above the door into my parents master bedroom. Here is where John differs from most pranksters. Some would have the scrupples? sense? to set it up on an outside door or the door of a basement or mudroom but OH NO, not my brother. He goes ALL out.

In this case the master bedroom was carpeted (most likely in thick 70’s shag). Not so easy to dry, I don’t think. So he goes to all this trouble and calls my mom to come up. Again. Bold move. Would have been in his better interest to plan the trap for one of his sisters but he had to go for the gold, wherein the gold is our mother. Jenny (she was a Jenny back then), heard him call and ran ahead, saving my mom from a very wet greeting.

SPLOOSH. My dad was so mad he picked John up and threw him in the tub with his clothes on and doused him with the shower.

Through the years all of us have been the victim of varying degrees of his pranks, and we all became pretty good about avoiding the worst if we were vigilant. Then on April 1st, 1994 John called and my mom answered the phone. My brother shakily told my mom that my nephew, his seven month old son, had developed a scary rash that seemed to be spreading. Now I don’t know how many of you remember what the big health scare that particular year was, but let’s just say the Swine Flu looks like a giant lame-ass compared to it. That’s right. My brother, let my parents think their 7 month old grandson had Flesh Eating Bacteria.

I was thirteen at the time, and in the kitchen when the phone rang. I still remember the look on my mom’s face. The sheer and utter panic. My brother had planned for an elaborate unveiling of the truth after he lured my parents to the hospital, but after my mom’s understandably FREAKED reaction he admitted it was a prank 10 or so minutes into the conversation which is still pretty impressive considering we were all hysterical. My brother’s birthday lands a few weeks into April, but I don’t believe it was celebrated that year, which led my brother to finally learn a valuable lesson about pissing one’s mother off so close to the time when you get presents.

There may have been another instance a few years later where he tried to convince his sisters he had knocked up some random woman who was demanding money from him but for the most part we’ve all learned that it’s best just to avoid him from about the middle of March until the middle of April. And he’s learned that flesh-eating diseases are not really the best genre for family pranks.

Everyone always asks about our poor, lone brother that grew up with all those cackling sisters. As you can see. He can hold his own quite effectively. Now don’t you all wish you had grown up in my house? Of course you do. Never a dull moment.

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No Foolin'

So, Internet, how’s your April Fools Day going?

Mine’s going OK. Rowan, giggling wildly, looked out the window this morning and exclaimed “THE EARTH IS COVERED IN CRICKETS, MOM! COME LOOK!” And before I could make it to the window she burst into belly laughs and said “Happy Fools Day!” She was very pleased with herself.

Now that sort of fooling I can get behind but then we went to the park and a six-year-old little shit pantsed me. PANTSED ME. That wasn’t so funny. Well. It’s kind of funny. If you’re not me or anyone that might have caught a glimpse of my very white behind.

I’ll give you a minute to hone in on that visual. Got it? Good.

I was slightly bent at the waist talking with Rowan when the kid ran up behind me, lifted my shirt up and pulled the waistband of my jeans down. I think I flipped around and righted myself before anyone even saw but I was so totally thrown. The mom of the boy’s cronie knew something was up so she asked and I told her what had just transpired and the mom of the offending kid overheard and that was it for that kid. I almost felt bad for the little guy. ALMOST.

His mom put him in time out and when he was done crying he came over and tearfully said, “I’m sorry I gave you a wedgie.” I paused, debating whether I should tell him the difference between pantsing and wedgies, but thought better of it. This kid clearly doesn’t need anymore inspiration. I forgave him and thanked him for apologizing. The mom, who seemed unapologetic but clearly embarrassed explained he’d been reading a lot of Captain Underpants. I told her it was no big deal, stuff like this happens… but does it? Does shit like this happen to other people? I’m beginning to think that I’m just special.

April Fools Day, in my family, is also known as Don’t Answer the Phone, It Might Be John Day. John being my brother. He was a little prankster from the start (and incidentally the kind of kid who would’ve got along swimmingly with the one who violated me today). Once when he was younger he rigged up an elaborate bucket of water above the door into my parents master bedroom. Here is where John differs from most pranksters. Some would have the scrupples? sense? to set it up on an outside door or the door of a basement or mudroom but OH NO, not my brother. He goes ALL out.

In this case the master bedroom was carpeted (most likely in thick 70’s shag). Not so easy to dry, I don’t think. So he goes to all this trouble and calls my mom to come up. Again. Bold move. Would have been in his better interest to plan the trap for one of his sisters but he had to go for the gold, wherein the gold is our mother. Jenny (she was a Jenny back then), heard him call and ran ahead, saving my mom from a very wet greeting.

SPLOOSH. My dad was so mad he picked John up and threw him in the tub with his clothes on and doused him with the shower.

Through the years all of us have been the victim of varying degrees of his pranks, and we all became pretty good about avoiding the worst if we were vigilant. Then on April 1st, 1994 John called and my mom answered the phone. My brother shakily told my mom that my nephew, his seven month old son, had developed a scary rash that seemed to be spreading. Now I don’t know how many of you remember what the big health scare that particular year was, but let’s just say the Swine Flu looks like a giant lame-ass compared to it. That’s right. My brother, let my parents think their 7 month old grandson had Flesh Eating Bacteria.

I was thirteen at the time, and in the kitchen when the phone rang. I still remember the look on my mom’s face. The sheer and utter panic. My brother had planned for an elaborate unveiling of the truth after he lured my parents to the hospital, but after my mom’s understandably FREAKED reaction he admitted it was a prank 10 or so minutes into the conversation which is still pretty impressive considering we were all hysterical. My brother’s birthday lands a few weeks into April, but I don’t believe it was celebrated that year, which led my brother to finally learn a valuable lesson about pissing one’s mother off so close to the time when you get presents.

There may have been another instance a few years later where he tried to convince his sisters he had knocked up some random woman who was demanding money from him but for the most part we’ve all learned that it’s best just to avoid him from about the middle of March until the middle of April. And he’s learned that flesh-eating diseases are not really the best genre for family pranks.

Everyone always asks about our poor, lone brother that grew up with all those cackling sisters. As you can see. He can hold his own quite effectively. Now don’t you all wish you had grown up in my house? Of course you do. Never a dull moment.

Read Full Post »