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Posts Tagged ‘Sistahs’

And I have… not much to say about that. Yesterday was pretty painful to get through, but I’m so glad I made it out to celebrate Jen and Bill’s birthdays even though I had to stick to water all night in fear I would throw up all over the birthday festivities. Now usually when a Felland is not drinking on an occasion such as this, it means one of two things: 1.) She’s too hungover, or 2.) She’s pregnant. I was/am neither of those things so I felt a bit out of place all night and as you can imagine, it was hard for my family members to comprehend why or even really recognize me in this environment without a drink. My favorite quote of the night was from Jennifer {who you MIGHT remember was quite stern about not doing any shots} after her third shot:

“But you’re drinking water and not throwing up! Have a drink- WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?”

Hmmm. Now a normal human can tell the difference but it’s a little trickier with us Fellands, so when I told Jennifer that there is actually quite a big difference between a glass of ice water and a mojito, she was still a little confused so I just dropped the subject. It was really for the best.

This morning Bill was pretty much mostly dead and I’m still not feeling great so it was a very good thing the kids were with grandma and grandpa for the morning. Aside from taking Rowan to dance it’s been a slow day so I have really nothing of import to share with you and if you can’t tell by now I’m just typity-typing away here to try and stretch this thing out into a semblance of a post and oh look- three hundred words! That’s probably good enough, don’t you think?

I’m not doing so hot am I?

Quit judging me, Internet.

Monkey Jane is judging me enough for the both of you.

Laugh all you want but she's judging you too, Internet.

And now she's bored with us. I'm gonna take that as a hint to just put this post out of its misery~ Happy Saturday.

 

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Today my OLDest sister Jen turns a certain even number that many MIDDLE-AGED women have come to dread. Since her and Bill’s birthdays are within a week or so of each other, we decided to plan an adult’s night out of grown-up socialization, yes, but most of all? DRINKING. {This should come as no surprise to you if you’ve known my family for more than 30-45 seconds.}

Last week the DCFI asked if I’d send an e-mail inviting everyone out so naturally I accepted. Here is the e-mail thread but before you go on you should know that not only are the Fellands partial to booze, we’re also kind of jerks. But! Rest easy knowing this is how we show affection so it’s all okay. {Also, my younger sister Susie and I better hope Jennifer doesn’t draw one of our names for Christmas}.

Friday, October 28, 2011 10:16 AM

From: Christy Gunter
To: Family
Subject: THIS IS AN E-MAIL ABOUT OLD PEOPLE
On November 4th, 2011 we are all going to gather to celebrate the extreme old age of Jennifer Noelle Mallinger {who is going to be a whopping FORTY years of age!} and William Richard Gunter, {while at 33 is not quite forty, but I think we can all agree he’s pretty old too}.
The plan is to meet at Whitey’s in Stillwater around 7:30pm and see where the night takes us. The only rule is that no one is allowed to buy Jason tequila shots as we do not have the No St Paul fire department on hand to carry his sorry ass back to his car. You can of course buy them for Jen because she is small and easily transportable, no fire department required :).
Let me know if you can/can’t make it!
PS Bill and I plan to start a little earlier in the evening for a drink at Marx or Domacin so if you’re interested, feel free to join us.
*****
From: Susannah Felland
To: Family
Subject: RE: THIS IS AN E-MAIL ABOUT OLD PEOPLE
Vince and I will plan to be there, but might not be out too late as I have a training in the morning. Jen, don’t forget to take your arthritis medication before you come out in case a gentleman caller asks for a dance. If it gets to be too much for you in your old age, we’ll conveniently be in Stillwater and can just switch over to antiquing. 🙂
****
From: Jennifer Mallinger
To: Family
Subject: RE: THIS IS AN E-MAIL ABOUT OLD PEOPLE

HA!  I will NOT be doing any shots, so you can either save your money, or watch me dump them on the floor, the choice is yours!!   J

I’m looking forward to it!

****

From: Susannah Felland

To: Family

Subject: RE: THIS IS AN E-MAIL ABOUT OLD PEOPLE

You mean no shots except for flu and Botox right? It is very important to protect the health and well-being of people your age. 🙂

*****

From: Christy Gunter
To: Family
Subject: RE: THIS IS AN E-MAIL ABOUT OLD PEOPLE
Susie, maybe we should just mix up a flask of Boniva for her ahead of time? I really don’t want her to get over excited and break a hip. Brittle bones are no joke at her age.
*****
From: Susannah Felland
To: Family
Subject: RE: THIS IS AN E-MAIL ABOUT OLD PEOPLE
Excellent idea! We can mix in some Aleve and Aspercreme – she’ll be good to go!
*****
From: Vince Barnes
To: Family
Subject: RE: THIS IS AN E-MAIL ABOUT OLD PEOPLE
Jen, what was the name again of the wrinkle cream you got for Christmas? I’m guessing you are probably out. I need to know what to get you for a gift.
*****
From: Jennifer Mallinger
To: Family
Subject: RE: THIS IS AN E-MAIL ABOUT OLD PEOPLE

OKAY THAT’S IT PEOPLE!

Christy and Susie:  You’d better stop!!!   Just you wait you evil, evil sisters.  Revenge will come.

Vince…  Really?  Curse you and your little dogs too!  P.S. just because you’re the baby doesn’t mean your time won’t come and when it does you’ll have ALL of us to contend with.  Wahahahahaha (evil laugh)!

Giacomo:  Curse you for getting me that cream, which, I might add, Vince, was NOT wrinkle cream, it was cream for cellulite.  Which really isn’t any better now that I think of it…

*****

From: Christy Gunter

To: Family

Subject: RE: THIS IS AN E-MAIL ABOUT OLD PEOPLE

Wow the resemblance in that picture is uncanny. Or would be if the old lady were showing more cleavage. You know Jennifer.
*****
From: Jennifer Mallinger
To: Christy Gunter
Subject: RE: THIS IS AN E-MAIL ABOUT OLD PEOPLE
You are evil.
*****
From: Jennifer Mallinger
To: Family
Subject: RE: THIS IS AN E-MAIL ABOUT OLD PEOPLE
I will take this time to remind you that I’ll be going to sunny warm FL in just 13 short days.  AHHHH, the beach, the surf, the sand, the fun drinks.  Too bad you’ll all be here in the cold November air.  I sure hope it snows in the metro that week…..
*****
From: Susannah Felland
To: Family
Subject: RE: THIS IS AN E-MAIL ABOUT OLD PEOPLE
Do you know where old people spend their winters? You really aren’t helping your case…
Okay, I’ll stop now. Mainly because I have to leave. Have a good weekend!

FIN

Turns out the joke’s on me anyway- after the week of puke and fevers with Keaton, I was really, REALLY looking forward to a grown-ups night out to drown my sorrows in, but last night I woke up at one-thirty and my stomach was very, very unhappy. At first I thought it was probably because I stole one too many chocolate bars from the kids’ Halloween stash but no, this morning I have myself a nice fever of my own. I got the nasal-mist flu vaccination for the first time yesterday so it might be a reaction to that, which would hopefully make it short-lived but with all the sickness we’ve harbored here the last week…who the hell knows. What I DO know is…

I really do love my sister. Even in her advanced age. Happy Birthday, Jen!

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Okay, where were we? Ah yes. Kids grow up, allowing you more time to drink, which is good because they shun you so much you need something to drown your sorrows in etc. etc.

Now. About the drinking.

There was no mob mentality this year, as there has been in years past, it being just the two families this go round. In my experience we need at least three of my siblings grouped together to bring about the competitive drinking that is most likely etched somewhere in our Felland DNA. However that didn’t mean that we all weren’t feeling the effects of that first drink by 11am most days because, PLEASE. This is still Cabin Vacation. This is why the Bloody Mary was invented, Internet. My cousin recently went on a cabin vacation of her own with her family, but they are not Fellands, and therefore drinking doesn’t fall under their “Pastime” category.

This conversation is paraphrased. Because I was drinking {duh} and can’t fully remember the exact dialogue.

Me: How was your vacation?

Erica: Really good! We just relaxed, read and enjoyed each others’ company. It’s not like YOUR family. I had maybe one drink per night.

Me: ##%????%##doesnotcompute###???%%

Huh?

Erica: And that one drink earned me the title of Booze Hound.

Me: But what did you do?

Erica: Like I said- I read a lot, rested and spent time with my family.

Me: But what did you DO???!!!

Erica: …seriously?

Me: I’m really confused right now.

Things were actually pretty tame except for maybe Tuesday night but you can go ahead and blame that on The Shirts. Tuesday was the only day that we had patchy, rainy weather for the most part. It was cloudy and thundery all morning so we decided to head into Longville and our first stop was at Old Man Shirt. Last year Bill had trouble finding the right fit for his ridiculous t-shirt purchase and while he was ultimately happy with Wild Stallions Running on Clouds, he ended up stumbling upon Old Man Shirt afterward and was so thoroughly impressed by his selection of terrible t-shirts that he purchased Moose Fight, which broke one of the cardinal rules of Cabin Vacation Ridiculous T-shirting, which is that you’re only allowed one shirt per year. This is why Moose Fight hasn’t received any blog air time because it is an Illegitimate T-Shirt. A Bastard T-shirt. THAT SHIRT DOES NOT COUNT. Even now it lies is shame, under all the other shirts, barely ever worn due to the scandalous nature with which it was purchased.

Ahem. So this year Bill went straight to the gold mine that is Old Man Shirt {the shop is actually called Marie Baker’s Shirts but it is owned and run by an 87 year old husband and 85 year old wife [presumably Mrs. Baker] and the husband in particular is very fond of his shirt collection, thusly: Old Man Shirt.} Bill went in with a solid idea of what he wanted which was something to do with pumas, only he pronounces it “pewma” in what I can only deduce is a strong and deep desire to be stabbed repeatedly in his sleep by me.

Here is the essence of a discussion we had regarding this before we even left on vacation:

Bill: I’m going to get a pewma shirt. I am already visualizing how awesome it will be.What do you think?

Christy: Um, NO. Because you will call it your ‘pewma shirt’ and if you do that I will have no other choice but to murder you and then divorce you posthumously.

Bill: What? WHY? Pewma is awesome. And fun to say. Come on. Say it…you know you want to.

Christy: Puma.

Bill: Pewma.

Christy: PUMA.

Bill: PEWMA.

Christy: PPPPPPPUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAA….

This might have gone on for awhile, but you get the gist right?

Anyway it was thankfully all for not, as Old Man Shirt knew exactly what shirt Bill was describing and had to break it to him that the puma shirt had been discontinued earlier in the year {Jesus Christ I CAN’T IMAGINE WHY?}. The only other obvious choice was Eagle and they had a nice matching father/son set that Bill was happy with, so it was almost time to go and then BAM. It happened. Jay purchased his own eagle shirt, while Jen went with a nice, feminine loon and we were all but out the door when Jennifer and Bill joined evil forces and not-so-quietly remarked that I would probably ruin vacation if I didn’t purchase a shirt of my own.

Me: Nope! I’m good! Let’s head out!

J&B: Oh come on. You have to at least join the wolf pack. Look at this wolf shirt! It’s Mountain quality!

Me: Yeah, that’s real nice but I like my shirts a little less wolf- heavy and a little more fashion heavy. {For the purpose of this argument Fashion=a plain white, probably stained t-shirt. That maybe also has holes.}

J&B: You HAVE to get this one… look! It has FOUR wolves howling at the moon! That’s so much more sophisticated than last year’s measly three wolves. I mean FOUR WHOLE WOLVES? When are you going to get another opportunity like this? Plus, you’ll probably ruin vacation if you don’t get one. Don’t wreck it for the rest of us, Christy. Think of the children. And the wolves.

Me: FUCK. Rowan! If mama has to wear this shit so do you. Pick out a goddamn wolf shirt.

So after we returned to the cabin I made Bill mix me a drink and I donned my very own wolf shirt and since one drink didn’t seem to be enough I just kept right on going until that shirt actually seemed pretty awesome.

That came around drink number 5 or 6, I don't really know, things are a little fuzzy there but I had four motherfucking wolves on my shirt so it didn't really matter anymore.

The Wolf Packettes. Notice how Rowan's shirt only has three wolves. That's because it isn't as awesome as mine.

We played bean bag toss and bocce ball and ended the night with a game of Bullshit that determined who would go on to compete in this year’s challenge, which was pretty much the same as last year’s challenge except it involved 38% more monkey, 100% less dead fish and an artificial, artificial mustache. I was the biggest loser in Bullshit which by all accounts should have put me in the running for jumping in the lake but thankfully for me, drunk people aren’t so good at calling the stakes beforehand so I got out of it for the 4th year in a row.

FORESHADOWING.

So Bill, Deps and Jen played Jenga, with their personal self-respect and dignity at stake.

For a bunch of drunks I was really, really impressed with how long the game lasted but alas...

it had to come down sometime.

Poor Jennifer was NOT pleased that her husband, the one and only Deputy Chief Fire Idiot, did not fall on his own damn sword and knock the Jenga tower over and I can guarantee you next time he will, but for this year, Jen ended up in the lake. AGAIN. Since we neglected to bring a fresh supply of fake mustaches, we had to improvise with a fake, fake mustache.

With washable marker. Because that is not ghetto AT ALL.

Jorie dutifully noted that we were missing a sole patch which is key when jumping into a freezing lake at one-thirty in the morning.

Jen was thrilled of course. It's the details, really.

It was a fun night. The next morning was slightly less fun, as you can probably imagine. Not that we really had time to nurse any sort of hangover as…

There were giant fish to catch, by the tall...

And the small,

and very important games to play,

and lakes to jump into.

Thursday evening we planned to have a bonfire a little before dusk, but when we went to get things started we discovered that the garbage cans by the pit hadn’t been emptied and the horse and deer flies were terrible, which is saying something because they were really thick everywhere up there this year. Every time we left the cabin we were attacked; all of us were covered with bites by the end of the 1st full day and these suckers seemed to be immune to deep woods bug repellent varieties packed with {super great for you!} DEET-y goodness. Needless to say we went ahead and skipped the bonfire, but in an effort to appease the disappointed children who felt swindled of their right to gooey marshmallow, chocolate and graham cracker desert, a new and better tradition was born, BEHOLD:

Mini-Donut-Boat-Riiiide, ya'll!

This is AMERICA! Of course we brought our own mini donuts on vacation.

I think mini-donut-boat-ride sufficiently made up for the skipped campfire and smores.

And how can you go wrong with mini donuts on a boat ride, I mean REALLY.

It was very seriously one of the funnest {albeit most stupid} things I've ever done. The wine is of course optional.

But the crazy boat hair,

and the amazing sunset are not. I recommend everyone go on at least one mini-donut-boat-ride in their lifetime.

I promise you'll be a better, happier person for it.

And there you have it, folks! Cabin Vacation Elevensies is sadly just a alcohol soaked, 4 wolved, mini-donut encrusted memory, but surely one that will keep us warm and blissfully happy…

Until next time...

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Obviously I would choose option B if I could.

However, I’m feeling I owe the Deps one after he had to endure 25 minutes of his wife and sister-in-laws’ passionate version of Simon and Garfunkel’s Cecelia (and other songs!) at the top of their over-confident lungs on the ride home from Sisters! day. One of them also may or may not have taken notice of the sun-roof and serenaded a good portion of North St. Paul. Am a little fuzzy on that one except that IT WAS TOTALLY JENNIFER.

CD: provided by Snoreface. Screeching: provided by all of us. Shame: No where to be found. DCFI's eardrums: Ripped out and discarded somewhere along highway 36.

We had our first Sisters! gathering in almost a year. In an attempt to be more grown up and less obnoxious we planned a Sister’s Day (instead of our usual evening date at various disreputable watering holes) that consisted of pedicures, a light lunch and window shopping on Grand Avenue. And we did do all of those things! We just also managed to find a couple of places along the way that served wine. And martinis. And tequila. And kamakaz-…do you see where I’m going with this?

Really we are just terrible influences on each other. We're the sort of sisters that don't talk each other DOWN so much as talk each other INTO.

Kinda like how I talked Snoreface into taking a sip of that martini up there. She did NOT thank me for that one.

So the plan to not get rowdy didn’t go so well. But! We did what we do best and that is jump around like idiots while singing and annoying the men in our life. I mean, at the end of the day, you just have to do what you love or life really isn’t worth the trouble.

Sorry, Deps. I had to do it. Classic DCFI faces must be documented and this one was too good to pass up.

I hope all the mamas out there had a relaxing Mother’s Day! I spent the day enjoying the company of two children I had kept up until 11:30pm the night before… so they were, um, a little cranky. That’s OK, though. Sometimes bending the rules is worth the price you have to pay in over-tired, emotional toddlers/preschoolers and Sisters! Day was definitely a worthy cause.

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Obviously I would choose option B if I could.

However, I’m feeling I owe the Deps one after he had to endure 25 minutes of his wife and sister-in-laws’ passionate version of Simon and Garfunkel’s Cecelia (and other songs!) at the top of their over-confident lungs on the ride home from Sisters! day. One of them also may or may not have taken notice of the sun-roof and serenaded a good portion of North St. Paul. Am a little fuzzy on that one except that IT WAS TOTALLY JENNIFER.

CD: provided by Snoreface. Screeching: provided by all of us. Shame: No where to be found. DCFI's eardrums: Ripped out and discarded somewhere along highway 36.

We had our first Sisters! gathering in almost a year. In an attempt to be more grown up and less obnoxious we planned a Sister’s Day (instead of our usual evening date at various disreputable watering holes) that consisted of pedicures, a light lunch and window shopping on Grand Avenue. And we did do all of those things! We just also managed to find a couple of places along the way that served wine. And martinis. And tequila. And kamakaz-…do you see where I’m going with this?

Really we are just terrible influences on each other. We're the sort of sisters that don't talk each other DOWN so much as talk each other INTO.

Kinda like how I talked Snoreface into taking a sip of that martini up there. She did NOT thank me for that one.

So the plan to not get rowdy didn’t go so well. But! We did what we do best and that is jump around like idiots while singing and annoying the men in our life. I mean, at the end of the day, you just have to do what you love or life really isn’t worth the trouble.

Sorry, Deps. I had to do it. Classic DCFI faces must be documented and this one was too good to pass up.

I hope all the mamas out there had a relaxing Mother’s Day! I spent the day enjoying the company of two children I had kept up until 11:30pm the night before… so they were, um, a little cranky. That’s OK, though. Sometimes bending the rules is worth the price you have to pay in over-tired, emotional toddlers/preschoolers and Sisters! Day was definitely a worthy cause.

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Mia Rose, 8 pounds and 20 inches of beautiful baby.

Isn't she perfect? Oh of course she is. She is MY niece after all.

Em did an absolutely AWESOME job and after 15 years of bitching about not being given an epidural with Maddy, she finally got her wish. Better late than never.

Dad is pretty happy too. Big yawn! It's hard work being born!

We just love you already, Mia. All the way down to your little piggies. Happy Birth Day!

PS:Watch out for these two:

Keaton, whose throne as the youngest grandchild has been usurped by you, may attempt some sort of guerrilla uprising in the future. For now he is just curious about this little bundle, asking us "Can I pet da baby?" So here he is. Petting the baby.

Here is Uncle DCFI using you as a football. Probably stay away from this guy until you develop a strong right hook.

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DISCLAIMER: The virus portion of Keaton’s illness hit Rowan and I this weekend so I’m gonna be straight with you and admit I am pretty doped up on cold medicine right now and because of that, I take approximately ZERO responsibility for the content of this post. Cold medicine hits me so hard, clearing my congestion but clouding my brain to the point where it’s hard to hold conversations and I swear I start seeing tracers. I’m not sure but I don’t think this is what’s supposed to happen so I almost never take the stuff but my head and ears were ready to explode with the pain, so after the kids were snuggled in for nap and rest time I gave in.

Our very own hatch door, complete with a freaked out Desmond in the peep hole. I'm pretty sure we frightened our neighbors off with this little number, made with love by Bill.

The Lost party went great this weekend. We had a couple of snafus, including me asking Bill on Friday night at around 10:30 if he had ordered the party sub before noon, to which his response was a combination of silence and great big giant eyeballs. Um, no. He sort of forgot that part and I failed in my position as Great Superior Reminder of Things That Need To Be Done, but LOOK! we have 396 different types of alcohol with fancy Dharma labels! Who needs food when you have this much booze?! Thankfully when we called early Saturday morning they could fit us in, which saved at least half our guests from alcohol poisoning.

Clearly we have really super awesome priorities.

The second snafu was Bill’s parents calling us to let us know Rowan had caught The Sick from Keaton (or the hospital, take your pick) and was running a temperature and coughing up a storm. After insisting they could manage her just fine, Bill’s dad stopped by to pick up our bottle of children’s Motrin and they checked in around mid-day to report she was doing much better. I had woke up with a terribly congested head, but fortunately this was the type of party you could still enjoy when you felt like shit because it consisted of sitting on your butt in front of the TV all day.

After we rearranged the room to accommodate everyone and had breakfast we passed out an assigned Dharma station to everyone:

When your station was mentioned in the show you had to call it out before another person did or, you know...ELSE (Else being that you had to take a drink). The poor DCFI got the Orchid so he was pretty screwed.

I posted the rules to the drinking game here, but I tell you we could have pared it down to only three of them and it would have done the job. Those three can be described as “Dude”, “LaFleur” and “Son of a bitch!”. On Sunday Snoreface left me this message on facebook that I think all of us appreciated:

Snoreface and the polar bear got along quite well, especially when Snoreface released her from her fluffy confines.

I wish I had more interesting pictures for you but this is really what we did for 13 hours. And it was FUN!

Now, thanks to this generic Dayquil,  I’m off to go stare at my really interesting wall and quite possibly drool a little bit. Hope everyone had a good weekend and if you’re feeling in the mood say a little prayer that one of the 3 Kindergartens we’re touring tomorrow is a good match for Rowan, or homeschool here we come.

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